vivienne's arrival | NICU

Taking a much needed nap.

I don't even know what to say here. It makes my heart sad just looking at this.

After a relatively restful night of sleep, Vivi was ready for her first full day of life. The first day in the hospital is filled with thousands of people coming in and out of the room, checking vitals, asking for money, leaving and picking up forms, asking inane questions, etc. We were visited by a snooty resident Dr. who looked no older than 15 who proclaimed the baby to be in perfect health. Well, shortly thereafter, while I was in the shower the attending Dr. came in and noted some concerning things about Vivi, particularly her increased respiratory rate (tachypnea) and a heart murmur. This requires a call to the neonatologist who quickly decides that Vivi needs to be admitted to the NICU for further testing and monitoring. The NICU can provide the one on one care that she needs at this point.

This all happened concurrently with Avery's visit and ended with me leaving a crying toddler in my room as I walked my newborn to the NICU. Awful. Vivi was quickly hooked up to several lines to monitor her heart rate, respiratory rate and blood oxygen levels. The cardiac ultrasound tech was already there saying that she was told to get to the NICU, stat! Not something a new mom wants to hear. She was also taken for a chest xray as there was concern about the condition of her lungs.

After her initial assessment and tests, I got to do kangaroo care with her and it was wonderful. I loved that I could still provide a comfortable and loving place for her to sleep. I need to note that the chairs/recliners in the NICU are quite possible the most uncomfortable pieces of furniture ever made, thus making sleeping by her next to impossible. Meaning, I had to return to my room, "sleep" only to get a call when Vivi was ready to eat. I was with her as much as possible during the day, but I did have to leave to eat or use my cell phone.

The first time I returned to the NICU after her admittance was quite possibly one of the worst moments of my life. I was not only sad for her but for all of the other babies. I cried and cried feeling totally and completely helpless. Scott and I became slaves to the beeping machines and watching her respiratory rate fluctuate between normal and alarming. We would whip our heads around whenever the alarm would sound which happened a lot because the machine would lose her signal when she moved around.

That night was totally draining. Trying to sleep in my hospital room knowing my new baby was all alone tortured me, but I knew that I was best served getting at least a little sleep. I missed her with all of my emotions and all of my body. It is completely unnatural to be separated like that from one's newborn, but I knew that's where she needed to be.

Overnight, the nurses developed concern about her blood sugar and I was nursing as much as possible while also pumping like a crazy person. This only produced the tiniest bit of colostrum which I eagerly sucked up in a syringe to feed to her. Thankfully, it was usually sufficient to raise her levels. Eventually, we agreed to supplement with formula and her glucose levels stabilized.

This was the longest night of my life. At one point the nurses asked if I had an outfit for her and my brain flat lined. Does not compute. How could I possibly be thinking about outfits while my child was hooked up to an impressive array of machines? The nurses did however have some cute onesies that they put on her while I was sleeping.

In the morning, when I returned to my room from a NICU visit, my nurse said, "You're being discharged." My god, this was the best news I had ever heard. Scott and I were preparing for another night at the hospital and even though we planned to be at rounds, we somehow missed the Dr.'s visit where she decided that Vivienne could go home. I was elated and couldn't believe how incredibly lucky all of us were. There were still a dozen or so very sick babies still there with parents enduring the daily torture of having a child in the NICU. Vivi's echocardiogram and chest xray came back normal, her breathing stabilized and her blood sugar levels were no longer of concern.

When I returned to the NICU, Vivi's nurse told me that I looked 10 years younger, and I felt it. Scott and I could not get out of there fast enough, but we had to wait for her to wake up and get one more feed in before we could leave. We both sat there, watching her sleep knowing that in just a few short hours we would be going home.